Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category

« Older Entries

Nights Alone

Sunday, July 12th, 2009

It is 4am in the morning and I cannot sleep.  This is a regular occurrence for me in grief.  The month of July sleeplessness is always at its worst. I lost my brother in the month of July.  I remember the weeks following after we lost Bry that I would be up for nights at a time, miserable is pain and crying so hard that my eyes would be swollen shut the next day.

I feel so alone in the middle of the night. I feel I am the only person up right now in the world with this pain, however I know even alone there are others like me.  I am aching for one more glimpse of my brother, struggling to think of our last conversation or just praying that magically I could her his giggle again.   The sleepless nights are here to last.  I will never sleep like a baby again!

Tags:
Posted in Thoughts | 1 Comment »

Pain Highway

Monday, June 8th, 2009

I am getting ready to go see the scene of the “accident” where my brother’s body was broken and his soul left the earth. I am afraid, scared, anxious and filled with so many emtions I cannot put them into words.  I cannot stop thinking about this little piece of highway.  The fact that thousands of cars drive by daily and aloof drivers pass the spot were my brother’s life ended and my life changed forever.  Is is good to go back? Is this good for me?  I am still in the bad dream I feel stuck in so many days of my life? 

Tags:
Posted in Thoughts | 2 Comments »

The General and the trenches

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

This one may seem a little harsh or bitter, but I need share this thought!  Have any of you ever experienced that person who acts like a general towards you, telling how, when and what to feel while grieving?  You know what I want to say to those people, “If you are not fighting the war and in the trenches, you should not act like a general.”  Grieving is very analogous to a war and a battlefield.  I just wish people would understand that this battle will never end, and to please give me my the space and time to fight my own war, in my own way.

Tags:
Posted in Thoughts | No Comments »

The Empty Chair

Sunday, April 19th, 2009

Every holiday that occurs after I lost my brother I am faced with so much emotion.  One issue that I am always confronted with during a holiday is the “empty chair.”   How do we deal with his empty spot at the family table? This empty spot always appears to be more blatant during a holiday. Dealing with issues such as, taking a head count for setting the table, having to subtract one from the commonly known number, the empty space where my brother sat, everyone filling the air with unnecessary chatter to hide the reality of my brother being gone.  Sometimes I wish we chose to do nothing for all the holidays, I do not need reminders he is gone, I deal with it everyday.

Tags:
Posted in Thoughts | No Comments »

The “D” word!

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

I can almost laugh about it amidst all the pain!  I hate the “d” word, I think most of you know the word I am talking about.  Isn’t funny how the words death or dying rolled off of the tip of your tongue prior to losing  your brother or sister, and now you cannot even say those words about your brother or sister.  I am sure some of you are like me and think of how many ways you can avoid using those words. You think of all the words you replace the “d” word with- passed, gone, left, went, is away…….etc. 

I really doubt I am alone with this one, I am sure I am not the only a life long member of the club nobody wants to be a member of!

Tags:
Posted in Thoughts | 1 Comment »

Pre-secure, Post-insecure!

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

Do any of you feel as if you have the different personalities after losing your sibling? Before Bry left I was secure, emotionally strong, maybe I even used to come off as overly confident.  Now, after Bry passed I can feel insecure in any situation.  I feel emotionally weak, guarded and vulnerable.  I know that seems obvious if you have read any other of my entries, however sometimes I still step back, take a look, and realize how I was “pre” Bryan’s passing and how different I am “post” Bryan’s passing.

Tags:
Posted in Thoughts | 1 Comment »

Broken Family Tree

Monday, March 23rd, 2009

The acute pain of losing your sibling seems to suffocate you at times.  We all know these feelings of grief, “try to get out of bed today”, ” just take the pain minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour”, “keep busy and it will not really seem true”.  Did you ever think of the long term effect of this pain?  I know it seems not fair to think about, but a new “grief” question struck me the other day.  After my brother passed, his branch on the family tree crumbled.  So not only was he taken from me early in life, his part of our family history was gone, just vanished.  It may seem like common sense to some, but grief is a form of chronic pain.  The hole his absence has created in my life, brought on many painful questions.

Tags:
Posted in Thoughts | No Comments »

Am I crazy or did he really talk to me?

Thursday, March 5th, 2009

Has anyone had this happen?  I feel even strange admitting it, but after my brother left I swear I head his voice.  I really think he talked to me.  I saw a figure of him in these trees at the cemetery and he said to me that he loves me and I am going to be okay.  I must be wanting to hear and feel this right? It was so real. I could even tell you what I saw him wearing and exactly where I stood and he was standing. I know I sound crazy, but has anyone else had those unbelievable sightings or heard those unimaginably sounds?

Tags:
Posted in Thoughts | 11 Comments »

Tell Us Your Story

Thursday, February 19th, 2009

Many of our readers have asked if we can add a my story section where people tell their own story. Please click here or use the comment section on this post to talk about your story. Feel free to remain anonymous.

Tags: , ,
Posted in Thoughts | 32 Comments »

Not his picture again……

Tuesday, February 17th, 2009

You all know the feeling, you get caught up in a moment when you see, smell, touch or think of your brother or sister you lost.  For me it is pictures.  I get caught staring at this picture of my brother and I think, “Why do I have a picture of my brother up?”  Then it hits me, why I have his picture up, I have it up because he is gone and his picture is a minute way for me to make him feel alive.  I usually start to get pangs deep in my soul that make you want to vomit or go so far away mentally to a place where you can live in denial and not believe what happened.  You sit there and say to yourself, “This really did not happen did it?”  I catch myself saying that like a broken record in my head.  These feelings will never go away I assume.  The ongoing painful grieving proces…..

Tags:
Posted in Thoughts | 4 Comments »

« Older Entries