Just a thought…..how much do you hate the seasons changing after you lost a loved one. Maybe some are lucky enough not to have to go through the seasons changing, but if you are one of those people, do dread the next change of weather to come? It brings on a rush of memories you had with your loved one during that time of year. The worst is coming around year and year again to the season they passed in. Summer, the heat feels much heavier, thicker and makes you so groggy. Winter, it is so gloomy and cold you never seem to warm up. Fall and Spring hurt, the changes all around you make you feel as if the world is turning not knowing or understanding your pain. You almost fear change after something like this happens to you, even in the weather. Is it just seasonal depression or depression of the seasons you will be without your brother or sister?
Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category
Seasonal Depression?
Thursday, February 12th, 2009The Last Touch
Tuesday, February 10th, 2009Do any of you struggle and hold on to the last touch you had of your brother or sister? I feel as if it can almost come off as incestuous, so I do not like to talk about it much. I think and try to bring to life the last time I physically touched my brother and I hold on to this thought. I truly think these thoughts will never go away. I long to touch him again, as I am sure all of you long to touch your brother of sister again. It is just one of those things I am ashamed to admit, it sounds creepy talking this way about my brother. Maybe I am crazy, maybe I think that if I can just touch him one more time he will be alive or maybe I miss him more than I can handle.
How many brothers or sisters do you have? The question that brings fear.
Sunday, February 8th, 2009Have any of you ever been in the awful situation when you had a stranger or someone that does not know about the sibling you lost, ask you how many brothers or sisters you have.? It is funny, before when I had this question asked to me I would proudly boast,” I have three older brothers and a baby brother.” After we lost my brother, I am unsure how to answer this question. Most of the time I say the same thing I used to say, hoping they will not ask any more questions about my brothers, however if they ask more questions my voice grows unsteady and fear creeps in.
Nervously I begin to think, are they going to ask me the basic questions? How old are your brothers? Where do all your brothers live? What do they do for a living? I start to panic, try my best and to get through the conversation not knowing how to respond. Should I mentioned what happened to my brother? Will I freak out this person if I tell them? What if they begin to ask me details of his death, then what will I say?
I hate that I am put in this position now. It used to be such a proud and powerful part of my identity and now I have a wall around many parts of who I am. I do not know my identity without my family feeling “whole.”
Losing my parents.
Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009One of the hardest parts for me other than losing my brother is losing my parents over this. Your family can feel so broken after an adult sibling loss. You are in pain, you are an “adult” and you are not suppose to go crying back to mommy and daddy after something like this. Sometimes you even step up to the plate and act as parents for them, knowing they are in pain too just feeling it in different ways. I will never forget a hug my mom gave me the day we lost my brother, I was crying on a couch and she tried to come over and console me. She gave it her best shot, but she was cold and hollow and from that point on I knew she would never be the same woman or mom I knew. It is bad enough losing an adult sibling, but losing a connection and parent child relationship with your parents burns too. I am sure they do not know how to spread the love around after this kind of crisis, it seems like we will never have it figured out. Are piece of everyone is gone after this kind of thing, it is just as an adult during this you really realize what being an adult is all about and you see your parents in a whole new light.
Looking at pictures
Monday, January 26th, 2009
It happens every time, and anyone who has lost a loved one can relate to this. Pictures of your brother or sister, hang them or do not hang them? Every time I see a picture of my brother, it is like daggers in my heart, lumps in my throat and a blow to my gut. However, if I do not hang pictures of my brother, then he will not seem as alive, my children will not ask questions about him and I would not be reminded of my “new” life, my new “normal”. This normal that I need to continue to live to honor him. I hate that these thoughts and feelings that are part of my new world and part of my new soul.
Expectations are too high
Monday, January 26th, 2009I feel that the expectations people have for individuals dealing with grief are too high. Many people do not understand what it is like to lose an adult sibling. They do not understand that you need to act and continue as an adult, however you are grieving someone who will always take you back to when you were a child. I wish people would understand that grieving is an ongoing process, a never ending journey.
Sunday Nights
Monday, January 19th, 2009For me in the grief process, Sunday nights are always the worst. I feel the heaviness of another week approaching and another week of struggling through the pain and loss of my brother. Does anyone else feel this way about Sunday’s?
Feeling Alone
Sunday, January 18th, 2009It is amazing how you can still feel a lonely world of grief after losing a sibling. There is scarce information on this topic and I have found after losing my brother, people still may not know what it feels like to lose an adult sibling.
