Have any of you ever been in the awful situation when you had a stranger or someone that does not know about the sibling you lost, ask you how many brothers or sisters you have.? It is funny, before when I had this question asked to me I would proudly boast,” I have three older brothers and a baby brother.” After we lost my brother, I am unsure how to answer this question. Most of the time I say the same thing I used to say, hoping they will not ask any more questions about my brothers, however if they ask more questions my voice grows unsteady and fear creeps in.
Nervously I begin to think, are they going to ask me the basic questions? How old are your brothers? Where do all your brothers live? What do they do for a living? I start to panic, try my best and to get through the conversation not knowing how to respond. Should I mentioned what happened to my brother? Will I freak out this person if I tell them? What if they begin to ask me details of his death, then what will I say?
I hate that I am put in this position now. It used to be such a proud and powerful part of my identity and now I have a wall around many parts of who I am. I do not know my identity without my family feeling “whole.”
Tags: Afraid of questions
oh, yes……….I sometimes just say what i used to and that - he lives far away and I haven’t seen him in a long time! I’ve learned to manage questions so that I can now determine how many questions I am away from that dreaded one……..
The dreaded question. That is a great way to put it! So has it been a long time since he “moved.” Thanks for sharing.
I will always have three brothers. The one I lost in January 2009 is a year and eight days younger than me, so I will only have to remember how old I am, which these days is tough but I will always remember how old he ‘would be’.
It feels nice ot know I am not the only one who has to deal with this question.
Laura-
January 2009, so recently, how are you doing?
My sister passed in 2001. When people first asked this question (how many bros/sis do you have) I would freeze in fear. The pain was so great that I was afraid I would start sobbing at having to mention her not being there. I will say that now, 7.5 years later, it’s an easier question. I now usually say something to the effect that “there were five of us, one sister died” . There are still times I still cry when I mention it. Especially the reason, she committed suicide. I have to say it’s gotten a lot easier though. The first couple of years it was really really hard and I dreaded that question.
jacqui-
We have something in common. I have 5 siblings in my family too. Sucide is so hard to deal with. One of my close freinds deals with her brother passing this way and she struggles. Thanks for sharing! You insight helps those whose pain is more recent.
I have to face this question all of the time.. how many brothers/sisters do you have? I lost my little brother at 16 due to a car accident, and the following year same month same way I lost my step brother to a car accident. This devasted my entire family especially my middle aged brother. It is only myself and my brother I am older than him. When people ask me the question it has been 15 years and I can answer it sometimes fine other days no. But I usually say I have three brothers who I love very much and they all do great things these days. My brother (middle one) lives in Arizona and works, I am a teacher and my other brothers have special jobs helping people. I see them everyday in others, birds, childrens smiles, my pets, my parents eyes and the growing flowers. I see them in snowflakes and sometimes in the burning fire of a campfire in August. They are everywhere just doing thier job. The have gone ahead, but we are still right behind them. The seasons are tough due to the changes of the weather, but my brothers come to say hello in all different ways. Next time you are feeling blue, remember what I have said, thier soul and spirit is everywhere to just look around you and listen. I hope I helped someone out. You may contact me if you would like to chat with me sometime. deborahlis918@hotmail.com. Love your life, that is how our loved ones would want us to do.
My answer is very clear to me I have a brother and sister, the only difference between them is that now my sister is gone. My sister was viciously murdered by here estranged husband in May of 2008. Just because he chose to take her life, doesn’t mean she no longer is my sister. His horrific act will not erase a lifetime of memories between Marisa and I, I will not for get when mom and dad brought her home from the hospital, nor will I forget when she became a mom for the first time, her memory and our bond as sisters is greater than that monster’s malicious act. I hope that this helps at least person at that like struggles each day with missing her so very much. God bless you all.
Thank you to everyone for sharing some of your deepest feelings. It helps more than you know not to feel alone with the loss of my brother.