You all know the feeling, you get caught up in a moment when you see, smell, touch or think of your brother or sister you lost. For me it is pictures. I get caught staring at this picture of my brother and I think, “Why do I have a picture of my brother up?” Then it hits me, why I have his picture up, I have it up because he is gone and his picture is a minute way for me to make him feel alive. I usually start to get pangs deep in my soul that make you want to vomit or go so far away mentally to a place where you can live in denial and not believe what happened. You sit there and say to yourself, “This really did not happen did it?” I catch myself saying that like a broken record in my head. These feelings will never go away I assume. The ongoing painful grieving proces…..
Not his picture again……
February 17th, 2009VistaPrint Some Memories
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Seasonal Depression?
February 12th, 2009Just a thought…..how much do you hate the seasons changing after you lost a loved one. Maybe some are lucky enough not to have to go through the seasons changing, but if you are one of those people, do dread the next change of weather to come? It brings on a rush of memories you had with your loved one during that time of year. The worst is coming around year and year again to the season they passed in. Summer, the heat feels much heavier, thicker and makes you so groggy. Winter, it is so gloomy and cold you never seem to warm up. Fall and Spring hurt, the changes all around you make you feel as if the world is turning not knowing or understanding your pain. You almost fear change after something like this happens to you, even in the weather. Is it just seasonal depression or depression of the seasons you will be without your brother or sister?
The Last Touch
February 10th, 2009Do any of you struggle and hold on to the last touch you had of your brother or sister? I feel as if it can almost come off as incestuous, so I do not like to talk about it much. I think and try to bring to life the last time I physically touched my brother and I hold on to this thought. I truly think these thoughts will never go away. I long to touch him again, as I am sure all of you long to touch your brother of sister again. It is just one of those things I am ashamed to admit, it sounds creepy talking this way about my brother. Maybe I am crazy, maybe I think that if I can just touch him one more time he will be alive or maybe I miss him more than I can handle.
How many brothers or sisters do you have? The question that brings fear.
February 8th, 2009Have any of you ever been in the awful situation when you had a stranger or someone that does not know about the sibling you lost, ask you how many brothers or sisters you have.? It is funny, before when I had this question asked to me I would proudly boast,” I have three older brothers and a baby brother.” After we lost my brother, I am unsure how to answer this question. Most of the time I say the same thing I used to say, hoping they will not ask any more questions about my brothers, however if they ask more questions my voice grows unsteady and fear creeps in.
Nervously I begin to think, are they going to ask me the basic questions? How old are your brothers? Where do all your brothers live? What do they do for a living? I start to panic, try my best and to get through the conversation not knowing how to respond. Should I mentioned what happened to my brother? Will I freak out this person if I tell them? What if they begin to ask me details of his death, then what will I say?
I hate that I am put in this position now. It used to be such a proud and powerful part of my identity and now I have a wall around many parts of who I am. I do not know my identity without my family feeling “whole.”
Losing my parents.
February 3rd, 2009One of the hardest parts for me other than losing my brother is losing my parents over this. Your family can feel so broken after an adult sibling loss. You are in pain, you are an “adult” and you are not suppose to go crying back to mommy and daddy after something like this. Sometimes you even step up to the plate and act as parents for them, knowing they are in pain too just feeling it in different ways. I will never forget a hug my mom gave me the day we lost my brother, I was crying on a couch and she tried to come over and console me. She gave it her best shot, but she was cold and hollow and from that point on I knew she would never be the same woman or mom I knew. It is bad enough losing an adult sibling, but losing a connection and parent child relationship with your parents burns too. I am sure they do not know how to spread the love around after this kind of crisis, it seems like we will never have it figured out. Are piece of everyone is gone after this kind of thing, it is just as an adult during this you really realize what being an adult is all about and you see your parents in a whole new light.
“Stay in the light”
January 29th, 2009“Stay in the light.” This is a quote that may help many grieving souls. It is a difficult thing to do; it is difficult to try to see your brother or sister only in the “light.” After loss there is so much darkness. Darkness surrounds you at every angle. Darkness from the pain of your sibling being gone, darkness from not only losing your brother or sister, but losing all those around you; other siblings, parents, other family, friends and possibly children that have lost faith in you. The darkness is so present you do not and cannot function. You may not want to get up and go back to life, or you may want to stay in a hyper-state of denial. It is easier to stay in the darkness; you can feel closer to your brother or sister in that sate. You hold on to the “last time.” The last time I talked to them, saw them, hugged them, touched them, however try to tell yourself your sibling is only in the light.
Maybe it is wishful thinking, maybe it is lying to yourself, but try to only see your brother or sister surrounded by “light.” You should not be convinced of this, but it is better than being stuck. Stuck in a place where you see nothing. To honor every aspect and minute your brother or sister lived you need to seem them and remain close to them, by seeing them surrounded by love in the “light.”
Cut those sayings out!!!
January 29th, 2009Okay, if you are viewing this webpage you know what I am talking about and have probably heard them all: “they are in a better place”, “it was there time to go”, “God has a plan”……….etc. I really wish people would try to understand that these statements do not help anyone who has lost a loved one. They rarely make grieving people feel better and they never, ever seem to answer your questions. Don’t people realize that when a loved one is “taken” from you, many of us question “God”, question “the plan”, question the reason for living at all.
Communicating with “the friends”
January 28th, 2009Do you ever find that if the friends of our brother’s or sister’s we lost contacts us, you love it and hate it, all at the same time? I think many people do not realize, that when you lose a sibling as an adult, many of the friends of this sibling go on to live a long life. It is difficult to see all the growth around you in his or her friends. You love hearing from there friends how much your sibling is missed, however you hate the new relationship that has been created because of your loss.
Looking at pictures
January 26th, 2009
It happens every time, and anyone who has lost a loved one can relate to this. Pictures of your brother or sister, hang them or do not hang them? Every time I see a picture of my brother, it is like daggers in my heart, lumps in my throat and a blow to my gut. However, if I do not hang pictures of my brother, then he will not seem as alive, my children will not ask questions about him and I would not be reminded of my “new” life, my new “normal”. This normal that I need to continue to live to honor him. I hate that these thoughts and feelings that are part of my new world and part of my new soul.
