Many of our readers have asked if we can add a my story section where people tell their own story. Please click here or use the comment section on this post to talk about your story. Feel free to remain anonymous.
Many of our readers have asked if we can add a my story section where people tell their own story. Please click here or use the comment section on this post to talk about your story. Feel free to remain anonymous.
My brother, Denny left this world nine years ago, but it still hurts and the pain is as fresh as the day he died. We were so close and I always feared that he would leave me. He was my pillar of strenght. Like most brothers and sisters, we sure did have our disagreements, but we were always there for each other. Our lives were so very hard and we stuck together for each other like glue. He promised me he would not leave me, but he did. The day he was buried, a big part of me went in the ground with him. I’d give anything to just see him one more time, seems like your loved one leaves to soon and there are a millions things you wanted to say, that you didn’s say enough while they were here. I love him so much and life is a very empty place without him here with me. I know he watches me and I can feel his presence often. I know that his pain and suffering are over, but mine got worse when he died. He is in a better place and I know that I will see him again when my time here on earth is over. I miss and love you Denny. Love always, your sister Lynn…
I enjoyed reading your story and I agree that people do not understand sibling loss. That is why we started this. This subject of greif gets over looked too often.
I recently read an article about grief. The question was asked of the
person experienceing loss… Have you found your metaphor yet?
I really thought about this. I think I have.
I go fishing. Somewhere in the casting, smoking bad cigars, wondering
about why fish bite certain lures and not others, I find peace.
Have you found your metaphor yet?
As I read the many exerpts from people who have lost their sibling(s), I find myself in pain all over again. I lost my FAVORITE sister just two months ago. She had an enlarged heart but did not know it. It was a sudden and unexpected death. We were very close in age, only 1 1/2 years apart and were always in school together. We both grew up and had families. Although we didn’t talk weekly, at the times we did it was like we just saw each other yesterday. I miss her dearly and as I am typing (and working), I am getting teary eyed. I’m sure others have felt this way. I just want to say that it is comforting to know that I am not alone. It was reassuring reading the many articles and feeling I am not crazy afterall, everything I am feeling is normal and natural. As I wipe the tears from my eyes, I thank God for the 53 years of life he has given me with my favorite sister. I must sign off now as I hold back my tears. Thanks for listening.
Butch- You words are sweet, helpful and appriciated. Thank you for sharing. You may be suffering and grieving by hours or minutes right now, however, please know your story really does help others.
My brother Steven passed away 2 months ago… he was 24. The age of the person really who has passed doesn’t really matter in the sense that we all greive for the connection that we had now is physically gone, however his age and the unexpected tragedy that had occured leaves me in a position where I question life and God’s plan. I am his little sister.. 22 years old.. and we were each other’s only siblings. I feel like my life has been turned upsidedown and it is hard to find my purpose in this confusing, unpromising world. I haven’t been able to come to terms yet as to why this has happened, and I don’t know if I ever will, but I do know that I was blessed because God chose me to be his sister. God gave me Steven for 22 years. For 22 years I was able to look up to him and to grow with him. For 22 years I was given the chance to have a beautiful, strong relationship with him that some brothers and sisters don’t get the chance to experience. It is hard to lose someone, but with your sibling you lose part of your past, your present, and your future all at once. It is an unreal feeling, and I hope that with time I can fully understand how lucky I was to have 22 years with him.
Shannon,
Your words are so helpful because many of us feel similar feelings. Nothing to I can write will help, please understand in your pain journey you are not alone. Thank you for sharing!
My brother Bill Passed away just over 2 weeks ago. It was very sudden. He was only 33 and his son just turned 1 month and one day old the day of my brothers passing. We had talked about how we wanted our children to be close just like when we were as kids and that our children would bring us even closer together. Now all of that has been taken away, I know that I will keep my promise and that mysef and my children will be a big part of my nephews life.
I know its soon but I just can’t seem to wrap my head or my heart around the fact that he is really gone. I also can’t understand how some times I seem fine and the very next minute I can barely keep it together.
It is comforting to know that I am not alone, but at the same time it breaks my heart to know that so many others are going through such sadness.
My brother was a son, father, musician, teacher of music, and one of the most passionate, loving and funniest people I knew.
Shari,
You are not alone and please share more if and when you would like!
My brother was killed in an accident 10 months ago. I have experienced death of my family members before, but not like this. He was such a strong influence in my life. I cannot explain the profound impact that this loss has had on me. I feel not entirely entitled to feel it this deeply because he had a partner, a daughter, and my mom and dad - I think all of these relationships are so incredibly important that maybe my feeling of loss should not be as deep as theirs. Does anyone else feel this? I have my own family and am kept very busy with them - feels like I have had little time to really grasp the reality of his death. I miss him so much. I’ve noticed its very true “laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone”. Nobody wants to be around someone who is sad all of the time so I decided not to think about him actually being gone - kind of pretending he is away but he’ll be back, so I am able to act more “normal” again. People have commented that I seem to be “over it” - it makes others more comfortable to be around me.
I feel like I will never be the same again but I’m forced to act how others think I should be in order to get through my life. Am I going crazy?!??
I loved my brother so much- I am trying so hard to make his life lessons impact my life in a positive way.
So many horrible things happen to people who seem to survive and thrive- and I am desperately broken because of the loss of my brother. How can I “get over” this and how can I not!!??
Jane-
Thank you so much for sharing. Your story really moved me, even if you feel lost and broken. I enjoyed your quote too. We all become a great actors admist the pain….don’t you think?
Jane,
My situation is similar to yours, I too feel that my grief for my brother should not be as deep as his wife, my parents and his children. But at the same time nobody knew my brother as I knew him, especially when we were younger. I feel like a part of my past has been erased, he was my best friend in a way that only siblings can be. So I guess we should not compare our grief to anyone else because everyone of us is on our own journey and our pain is just as real and deep.
I too have my own family and they keep me busy. In a way I find comfort that my children keep me moving on but I feel it is important to take time for yourself and cry,get angry or do whatever you need to do. As for everyone else don’t worry about them and how they feel, they understand if they love you.
I don’t think this is something that I will ever get over and I still cannot believe he is gone but I don’t think it is good to pretend he will be back. Your comment about this thought worries me but I’m glad you are sharing. If you want to talk about anything, I will be checking to see your response. I hope I haven’t offended or hurt you with any of my comments. I feel responding to your story helps me in some way.
Keep in touch.
WELL MY BROTHER IS A, WAS A STAFF SERGEANT IN THE UNITED STATES AIR FORCE HE WAS MARRIED WITH 2 SONS AND ONE ON THE WAY A GUN SHOT WOUND TO HIS HEAD KILLED HIM ON JULY 26 TH 2008 I HAVE BEEN IN DENIL FOR THE LAST YEAR GOING OUT TO VISIT HIM THIS PAST WEKEND AND SEEING HIS NOW 10 MONTH OLD SON SITTING ON HIS GRAVE…… HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS SOMEONE PLEASE HELP, I NEVER ASK FOR HELP MY FATEHR ALWAYS TAUGHT US THAT ASKING MEANS YOU DON’T NEED IT BUT I NEED IT I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN KEEP ON LIVING MY LIFE I WAS PREGNANT AND LOST MY BABY BEHIND LOOSING MY BROTHER I SLEPT IN THE HOSPITAL WITH MY MOM FOR A WEEK SHE HAD A HEART ATTACK IT TOOK THEM A WEEK TO BRING MY BROTHER HOME IT SEEMS EVERY TIME I SMELL I CAN SMELL HIM THE SMELL OF ROTTING FLESH. AND BEING THE YOUNGEST I CAN’T TALK TOANYONE I HAVE TO BE ‘STRONG’ RIGHT …..
I am so sorry for your pain. Words cannot help, nothing helps. I was 36 weeks pregnant when I lost my brother. It is the most lonley feeling possible to lose live exterbnally and to hold love within. I wish I could help you and I wish I could take it away for you. Just know people read this, know many people in this world are walking around broken and do not show it. Talk as much as you want, write words as much as you can and continue to love him, keep him alive. The more you love, the more pain you will feel.
Dear Jane and Broken Heart,
The same as Shari, this comes with love and concern:
I really hope you are still reading this thread.
My beautiful brother was killed by gunshot in the military 17 years ago now and it still hurts very much today. Unfortunately it took me 15 years to finally realise what had happened as I ‘pretended he was away’ I finally got the courage to visit the place he passed in 2008 for closure as I was still a teenager when it happened. For years I did and ‘thought’ what you have written. Ideas such as ‘being strong for everyone’ and ‘I feel not entirely entitled to feel it this deeply’, ‘don’t ask for help’ ‘get over it’. My brother’s passing (yes the ‘d’ word is still hard to admit to) was traumatic and it is apparent now that I had PTSD although managed to have a normal and successful life on the outside, I was just existing on the inside. ‘In denial and being strong’.
Out of absolute love for your broken hearts, I encourage you to seek grief counselling and support groups as well as writing on this thread. You will be able to speak and feel without fear freely and be given the tools to carry on. Your parents and other siblings may be unable to help you as they struggle with their own grief - they too have changed. As many have written, others do not understand as they think the bond isn’t as ‘worthy’ as other relationships. I actually had someone say that to me, that my parents must have been devastated but it wouldn’t have impacted on me as much as he was just a brother. I wasn’t mad because it came from a place of naivety as do many friends and relatives comments - they don’t know what to say. People not close to their siblings cannot fathom the hole and emptiness you feel when a part of you dies. And as someone said - your past, present and future is altered forever in an instant. You cannot possibly travel this journey alone without long term damage. Do not be embarrassed or hushed in your grief, it is very real, very normal, you are confused and in spiritual pain. It can affect every part of your life and of course you are changed. You won’t ‘get over it’ but instead learn to process and manage it. You will slowly and IN YOUR TIME AND WAY create a new future (that you deserve) with them tucked safely in your hearts. Perhaps think about what they would want for you. Talk to them, go to or make a special place for them where you can feel close. They love you and wouldn’t want you to suffer and become ill by holding it in. Surround yourself with positive and giving spirits who can carry you part of the way. You took the first step in reaching out by coming here :o)
Love and light x
It has been about 4 and a half months now that my brother has passed away. It seems to be getting harder as the time goes by. I feel as a wife and a mother of two my time for grieving is always somehow put on hold. I have heard that the grieving process tends to get harder between the 4 to 6 month mark, I also think its because my brother’s birthday is on October 4th and Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the corner and I know these will be very difficult times. I don’t think a night has gone by without dreaming about my brother. I feel like I am just about to reach my breaking point. Is there anyone else that can relate, I feel that I’m not making any sense. Sometimes I feel that I have so much I need to say but I don’t know how to get the words out!
I lost my brother nine weeks ago today. He died fighting in afghanistan, the pain i feel is unimaginable. I feel like iv only just come out of shock, and hit reality with a big bang, i need my big brother back.
Natalie-
Try to take one second at at time. Take in pride in the cause he was serving. Hang on!!! I cannot say you are not alone, becasue you do feel alone. But I can say many of us have lost brothers and sisters and the pain is unique and very difficult to explain. It is an undescribable relationship. Thanks for sharing!
Hello Natalie,
I am so very sorry to read of your loss, you must be very sad and confused at the moment. It is great that you have come here to share this with everyone, it must have taken a lot of courage.
As 4Bry has said, one second at a time…literally. Don’t rush yourself but try to take care of yourself by eating properly and getting some sleep. Athough your heart feels empty, your body will be reacting…it is normal.
When you are ready maybe describe some of those feelings or even something about your brave brother. He has served his country with great honour.
Take care Love and Light x
Share, I cannot relate as such as I was only 19 when I lost my brother but I did experience that strange muteness and also feeling like I shouldn’t say anything. I also had many vivid dreams which at first made me hurt even more but in time I started to use them as comfort. Other family members and friends had similar experiences and I have read on here that others have too.
Even today he ‘visits’ in my dreams and they make me happy even though I cry… as I can remember him better. Have you thought about writing your thoughts down, writing a poem or letter to your brother? You are making perfect sense by the way. It is hard but in time it won’t be so frequent. You have to feel what you feel.
Love and Light x
I lost my big brother on June 22nd 2009. I e-mailed or spoke with him twice a month. We were very close growing up and were on the same page. He lived in the far north so I did not get to see him often. He was to come home for the summer. Suddenly he passed on with a massive heart attack.
I am so over whelmed that I cannot see or talk to him anymore.
At the beginning I was so angry that I was not fit to be around. I have gotten better with this but without him I feel so alone and vunerable. I was always so confident and happy. The pain is so great that as I write I feel the tears coming.
I know I need to write a journal so no one will forget him and remember what a good man he was to his family.
Janice,
I too lost my big brother back on May 15 2009. He also passed with a massive heart attack. In the begining the shock of his sudden passing made me somewhat numb. Now I can see that is your mind and body’s way of helping you cope with the many things that need to be done. As the time passes the reality that he is really gone is becoming so real, but I can’t wrap my head or my heart around the fact he will never come back.
Even though our stories have simularities, I know everyone’s situation and grieving process is unique. I would however, like to hear more from you maybe some of the things we are feeling at this point may be the same.
I would like to end by saying I don’t know how you feel but my heart goes out to you. Doesn’t is just boil your blood on how some people think they know how you feel, or offer advice on how they think you should be dealing with this. Maybe that is just the “anger” part of the grieving process but what do I know?
My big brother died in a fire in February this year. The past 10 months have gone by so quickly it terrifies me. Everyday still hurts as much as it did at the start. I hate living like this, I feel like I’m going through the motions. I don’t know how I can ever get past this. Or if I even want to. I can’t bring myself to accept that he’s really gone.
I lost my older brother two months ago. We have had to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas without him. I use the word celebrate and honestly, I barely made it through. I feel angry, I feel sorrow, I feel emptiness, I feel that part of myself is missing. My brother was only two years older than myself and we were very close throughout our entire lives. I feel inadequate to help my mother with her grief as I can barely breathe myself most days. I am hoping that the enveloping loss will get easier one day.
Hi Amy,
Your post is identical to my situation, (and my name is amy too!). I lost my older brother who was also only 2 years older than me right before the holidays. It was completely unexpected. My mom is taking it so hard I feel like every time I’m around her and the rest of my family I need to be positive and happy so as not to contribute more to the heavy, sad mood that follows them. Because of this pressure I put on myself to be the strong one, it can be overwhelming and I’ve noticed I’ve been reaching out to my family less. Has anyone felt the same?
Carrying others grief is an awful aspect of losing an adult sibling. If we were younger we would not notice, however since we are adults the pain and load we carry is totally different. We recognize so much more. I keep considering writing a book about adult sibling grief. There is not enough support for those of us who have lost siblings at this age. What do you guys think? Are my thoughts helpful, does writing your story help, or does reading other people’s thouhts help, so you do not feel alone. Please let me know……
The intense, deep pain you feel, represents the love and loyality you have for your siblings.
Hello 4Bry,
This site has truly helped me to not feel ‘alone’ or ‘crazy’. Reading others stories and having an avenue to share my own has helped me in the healing process instead of being a forgotten mourner as siblings so often are. I believe that more support resources could be available, especially books, it would be good if you are able to write a book to help others out of your own grief. I wish I had something like this when I lost my brother.
Thank you x
November 4th will forever be a day that I hate. My big brother Justin (my only brother) just 26 years old was involved in a horrific car accident on the highway this past year. He was in WI about 5 hours away from where we live when he missed his exit and went 85mph into the back of an oil tanker. Our family was told from the police and funeral directors that he didn’t feel any pain. They said he was looking over his shoulder to see if he could pass when he hit. After the initial impact his car was left on the highway(since the engine was pushed all the way into the back seat there were no working lights in his car) so another semi clipped the back of his car and spun him out again. My aunt recently talked to the oil tanker driver and he said right after it happened he jumped out of his truck and went and sat with my brother until police got there. He said there was no way he could be brought back. His injuries were too bad. His body was too broken. I didn’t fully comprehend why they didn’t try to save him until 2 days after when I saw my brother in a casket, broken beyond belief. Words cannot express what was going through my mind when I sat next to my brother and said goodbye. I ran my fingers through his soft hair(it always felt like a teddy bears fur-so freakin soft) and looked him over. Only half of his face was uncovered, covered with concealer in the spots with scratches and wounds, his hands were cut up and when I lowered myself down to hug him one last time, I felt the tissue paper that filled his shirt sleeve. I freaked. These images flood my mind every day. Then I sit there and try to convince myself to think other things to try and make the pictures get out of my head-but it never works. Never. I know everyone said he felt no pain-but how do they REALLY know? Didn’t they see how badly he was hurt?? It’s been almost 3 months now and I feel like it’s getting worse. Theres no sign of let-up anytime soon. My eyes fill up with salty tears probably 50 times a day, my stomach is in knots, my head spins, my chest gets super tight and I feel like I can’t breathe-My world has just fell off and shattered to a million pieces on the cold hard ground and I have no freakin clue on how to pick those pieces up. I have never felt such a terrible loss in my life like this one. He was the only other person besides my parents that I knew since the day I was born. I will never have neices or nephews, my brother won’t get to dance with me at my wedding, and he won’t get to see his beloved and only neice grow up into a beautiful woman. I just wish I had a few more minutes with him-to tell him how much he meant to me, to tell him how much I looked up to him, to tell him what a wonderful and loving man he grew up to be, to tell him how proud I am of him, and to tell him to save a good spot for me up in Heaven. Justin, I love you and will never stop.
*Justin Michael* 12/14/82-11/04/09
Has anyone here visited lunaslight.com? These two sisters lost their sister and created the most amazing mission to help others who have lost someone they love so much. It might help to read their story.
Hi; some siblings challenged me to write a book titled “What about Us” regarding sibling grief; i would love to hear any comments any of you would like to have included. I had a brother died in 1962 and a daughter die in 1987, so i have experience as a bereaved sibling as well as a bereaved parent. what would you like to have people know about the feelings of the siblings and how they cope. I would appreciate any response to my email address: jean@erietechnologycom. please know we do care about all of you and that your sibling would want you to remember him or her and still be happy and move forward with your life.
The worst thing that anyone said to me was my partner’s sister, in an email. My partner had explained to her that I was surprised that, when we went to visit his sis and her family, she didn’t talk about my recent loss. Her reply was that she couldn’t talk about death and cancer ‘in front of the children.’
In actual fact her teenage daughter and son had gone off into town to meet their friends and weren’t even there so I think that really it’s her who finds the subject of cancer and the death of a man at the age of forty-two disgusting and distasteful.
Everyone told me that I should go and see a bereavement cousellor - even the counsellor at Relate (relationships).
What is it about your sib dying in their forties that everyone wants to send you off to an emotional clap clinic as if you have syphillis or something?
Would it have been easier if Gary, my bro, had died of something other than cancer or is it death itself that everyone is so wound up about?
It was such a relief to find this and adult sibling grief because I really did think I was the only person on the planet who felt this isolated and that it was my fault I’m ‘not coping’.
With starlight and healing to all bereaved sibs
Fiona
My sister died Feb 4th 2010 - she was vacationing with her husband in the Canary Islands and training for an Ironman race. While cycling down a steep incline she lost control and crashed into a rock face. Her husband was with her but before the medics could get to her - she died from a fatal head injury. She was just 37 - died a day after her birthday. It’s been over three weeks now and the pain is so acute, so devastating. I am the older sister by 6 years - I loved her and was protective of her. She was the best kind of person - a gifted psychologist. A sheer waste for her to die. I am constantly telling myself that she is gone - I will never see her again - she is dead. I still have the nail polish on my toes from the day we went for a pedicure - the day before she flew out to the Canary Islands. We had a very special friendship. We were not able to have her body brought back to Canada - her husband cremated her over there for reasons of practicality - I don’t know. He is devastated - his one true soulmate is gone and he was left to deal with everything down there for four days before arriving home with her ashes. She was in the prime of her life - a beautiful, vibrant woman - gone.
My brother is dying and I feel sick inside, sometimes even nauseated. I have a 40 minute drive to get there but will be staying with my sister soon. It has been an agonizing time and I have never felt grief like this before, even when my mom was dying. You see, my brother is only 47 and he is less than 2 years older than me. He is suffering way too much for this world, I agonize over the physical pain he is going through, sometimes I have to go outside and cry and pray to let him go. As much as I do not want him to suffer anymore, a little piece of me keeps holding on to these moments I have left with him. I am helpless, there is nothing I can do but be thankful for pain medication, even though it doesn’t always work right away and I see him suffering. I LOVE MY BROTHER and no I do not want him to die but I do not want him to suffer, this is no way to live. I rub his shoulder and can only feel bone. Why him, he has a six-year old son and wife. I know I will be devestated when he dies, completely broken inside. He is failing fast, I must tell him how much he means to me and how much I love him. As much as I want his pain to be over, is as much as I will miss him and be devestated.
I just want to say a little something because I want to reach out to those that have dysfuntional families. My mother has not spoken to me since my brother’s funeral. My brother died on April 1st 2010, from a pulmonary embelism that was misdiagnosed as pnemonia. She has so much guilt that I think it is easier for her to point and blame. She is also mentally ill and for some reason her side of the family believes her lies. I think I am the only one that truly knows her since she told me almost everything. I was her doll that she could tell everything to and abuse. It tore our family apart. My mother had many affairs while my brother and I grew up. She cheated on my father and then told everyone he cheated on her and left her stranded with two children. She cheated on my stepfather many many times, and is now married to one of the men who she had one her last affairs with (I think). I am blessed though I have my father and his wife and their children. My brother and I had a strained relationship because he always protected my mother. He also had a very different relationship with her. When she told me her stuff no one was ever around. She never talked to my brother and I at the same time. It made it extremely difficult to ever tell him the truth about her lies. I suffer with it now. I miss Tim and wish we had just had a moment here on Earth where he could look into my eyes and tell me I’m not crazy. I wish he could have been more trusting of me and not believed my mother. Does anyone else suffer from lies and dysfunction in their families that make the death of their sibling even more difficult? My brother and I were 13 months apart. Because of my mother’s issues I was often left to take care of my brother. She often was not there for us, who would have time with all her boyfriends? When I should have been the loving sister I was ordered by my mother to make sure my brother did chores, etc etc etc. It is difficult not to be angry. I know in time these feelings will get easier to deal with, especially if I stay away from my mother’s abuse. I will never forget my mother calling me “evil” when I softly asked her to stop, and I knew the truth when she started fabricating about my father for the third time only five days after my brother died ( I had already put up with two comments about my dad). I feel that my mother took away my relationship with my brother, my father, even my stepfather, now I have to try and be strong so that I can have a loving relationship with my husband. I have major trust issues. Something positive has to come from the madness in my mother’s family cycle. How can one person cause so much damage to so many people? It is difficult not to hate. I have to remember that she has made wrong choices, and I must learn from her mistakes. Perhaps I will be able to help other people and children that come from these kind of abusive family relationships. Thank you…Tim I love you…I pray every moment to be close to you.
Wow. Okay… My brother, Jeremy… Jeremy was nine years older than me. I guess he still is because he just died two weeks ago. He’d be turning 33 next month, and I turn 24 in August.
My brother was always a God to me, I always wanted to be exactly like him. My personality, likes, style, everything - it all comes from my brother.
We don’t know what happened. His wife came home from work at midnight to find the front door unlocked, him in the foyer, all cold and in a pool of blood with a gunshot wound to his face. There was no gun found. Her laptop was missing from the foyer.
His 2 1/2 year old daughter was sleeping in the next room, thank God she did not wake up and come into the foyer and find him.
The police immediately ruled it as suicide, even though there was no gun and things were missing. They contaminated the crime scene, didn’t take prints, and took my brother away in a bag, leaving his brother-in-law to clean up the blood.
The same thing happened a couple of blocks away two weeks before, same type of gun. And then it happened again in the same neighborhood a few days after my brother’s death. The police refuse to connect the crimes, and have ruled my brother’s death as “inconclusive”.
After a week they finally came to take fingerprints, but so many people had been in and out of the house by then…
The neighbor had surveillance cameras, one of which showed two young men walking towards my brother’s house at the time of his death, and yet the police refuse to pursue the case any further.
I have since become violent, angry, and suicidal. I punch concrete and slide my fists down the grainy rock just to tear the skin off.
I have become angry with everyone, including my parents. I have been impossibly rude to them, as they have to me. This is ripping my family apart. The people who did this didn’t just kill my brother, they killed my whole family. We are all dead inside. All that is left of me is a shell of intense rage.
I am mad at everyone I see. Mad that they get to go on living their lives while my brother is dead. My brother was SPECIAL. He was a writer and a stand up comedian. A brilliant writer. He had a certain gravity about him that drew people in, people couldn’t get enough of his good times.
I want to find the boys that did this. I don’t want the cops to find them, I want to find them. I don’t want them to sit in jail forever, or to get the death penalty. I want to torture them. I want to torture them everyday for the rest of my life.
I want my brother back.
It’s been 271 days since my big brother died. It still feels like my sister walked into the room and told me. His birthday wasn’t too long ago. I’m still in denial and I still call his old cell phone number hoping to hear his voice. I’m only 20 (19 at the time) and he was 33. I still can’t talk about how I feel about him to people- I can tell the facts though: My brother died of an overdose. Luckily, I can say what I want to here. I wish I knew why he stopped telling me the truth of what he was doing. He used to tell me everything even about the drugs. He was supposed to stick by my sister and I, always looking out for us like he said and promised. I’m incredibly jealous of my sister. He was a part of her wedding. I can never have that. The last time I saw him he promised to take me sky-diving on my birthday. His funeral was less than two weeks before then. I still don’t know whether to use “was” or “is” referring to him in conversation. I usually go with “is” because it comforts me.
I know it’s not fair to play the blame game, but you know, that’s the logical side of me. I can’t help but feel “what ifs” a lot when I think about him. What if my sister and I went to the beach with him, what if mom and dad or grandma and grandpa did this. What if I just called him up? What if a single phone call for just ten minutes could’ve earned me another one of his huge bear hugs?
Instead of it getting easier, I feel like it’s getting worse. I took a leave of absence from college. I got two jobs too keep me busy. I’m making myself sick trying to avoid thinking about his absence, just to get angry at myself on days that I can’t remember if I’ve thought about him or not. I still haven’t seen the gravestone.
I haven’t cried in front of my parents since the day of the funeral. I felt I needed to be strong for them, for my family. Now that I feel they’re “safe,” I feel like I can finally acknowledge my own grief. I’m scared to be that sad and I hate crying, but what terrifies me the most is reaching the point where I know he’s really gone.
Lauren,
My name is Ashley and my big brother also died-about 7 months ago now. I know how you feel when you talk about how it feels like its getting worse. I think the inital shock wears off after a little while and you’re forced to think about it even more. My brother was killed when two semis hit his car on the highway. I always think-why didn’t I call him before he left for his trip that day? Why didn’t we hang out that Monday before like we were supposed to? Why?! You think of every possible situation that could’ve possibly changed what happened…but the outcome is always the same. You wake up every morning and for a split second you’re ok-but then you realize that life isn’t what it used to be. Your sibling is gone. Your built-in best friend. Your protector(esp if its an older brother). I can’t bring myself to delete his number out of my phone because that might make it real. The overwhelming thought is slowly seeping into my mind everyday that this is real. He’s gone. But when people ask if I have any brothers or sisters-I say yes-I do. Just because he isn’t in his body down here on earth-doesn’t mean he isnt in my heart and soul every single second…I will never stop being his sister. ever.
Ashley,
Thank you.
It’s that split second between dreams and wakefulness that sometimes is the most precious- where you’re closest to how it used to be.
You’re very right- no matter what scenario is changed the outcome is the same. I believe my regret is more centered around that even had I done something different, nothing would’ve changed. Perhaps I could have delayed his death, but I can’t regret what I did or did not do- My only regret lingers in the fact that he is deceased.
You echo my sister and I’s sentiment. We will never stop being our brother’s sisters.
Today it has been five years since someone murdered my older brother. My heart aches like its only just happened and i feel that crushing wieght and racing heart in my chest. His killers been convicted and given the death penelty. One life for another doesnt feel like a fair trade to me. I know I wouldnt wish this feeling on any other family…
This website helped me so much all those years ago when my life came crashing down around me. When i was no longer a little sister..
To all those just starting down this horrible path, it sounds contrived but it does get easier. You will never forget and you will always love, but the deep gut wrenching pain will subside.
thank you for listening…
this is the longest day ever…i wish i could just go to sleep and wake up on a day that wasnt so painful..All i can think about is the horrible and painful way he died, all alone and scared. How he’ll never ger to meet my amazing little girl. how Ill never get to hug him again..I just miss hiim so much..
i did hug him in a dream once…he came to me and told me he was ok, and that I would be too..he hugged me and i woke up.
i wish he’d come visit me again.
I MISS YOU, JUSTIN
<3 <3 <3
I am a grown woman, but to my brother I was always Kimmy. Donnie and Kimmy. 13 months apart in age.
It occurred to me the other day that it has been a year since I last saw him alive. At a family gathering, he certainly wasn’t himself. In fact, our mother cried as he left because she thought he looked terrible and begged him to take care of himself. I consoled her as he and his friend drove away, saying he works in awful summer conditions, and it probably had to do with the extreme heat…
Leave it to Mom and her instinct. I wouldn’t say I was blind to his addiction, just accustomed to it. He started using drugs probably around age 12. The drugs became him. 20 years later, it was just Donnie.
I seriously don’t know what to think about addiction at times. I have to tell you, he was the most LOVING individual. What a heart he had. And such a charmer. Women of all ages loved him, from little girls to old ladies.
He held a full time job, worked crazy overtime. A functioning addict.
I feel like I’m numb yet. He passed away 9/2009. I can’t make heads or tails of my thoughts.
I know I feel guilty, but because of the relationship I had with him. I can honestly say he was my best friend. And I feel like others who are grieving him may feel like they missed out. Particularly our little sister, who was born 11 years after me. I know she loved him as much as I did (who couldn’t?) and even though she was 19 at the time of his passing, does she feel short-changed? I’m sure she does. And our parents…all the years of “dealing” with Donnie put a strain on their relationships…I hope they don’t regret anything. They did what they had to do.
One thing that tears me apart…is thinking of how ALONE he felt. I know he did. He hated his job because it kept him away from all of us for way too long, months at a time. And his loneliness makes me feel so guilty. I should’ve called more, I should’ve gone with him to the beach. I should’ve just paid attention while he rambled on over the phone instead of him cutting the conversation short because he could tell I wasn’t paying attention.
It kills me because he KNEW I was always there for him. I never ignored a phone call, I blew off all other family members at gatherings just to be with him the whole time. I took a trip to visit him while he was stuck in Florida for work and missing all of us like crazy. I WAS THERE FOR YOU. Why did you let this happen??
I love you Donnie with every single part of me. Your death has devastated me.
Why do some days seem so much harder than others? Its been over 9 months now since my brother died and some days feel like this just happened…One day I’ll be okay-I won’t double over and hold my chest because I feel like my shattered heart is falling out all over the ground…..and then the next day-I will. The constant ups and downs of this sadness is taking a serious toll on me. I just miss seein his smiling face…Being 24years old I thought I’d have years to keep seein that. Guess not.
Justin, I love you and miss you more than anything. Without you, it’s just a waste of time….*Save a place for me BroBro*
So for whoever stumbles upon this website who has not lost a sibling-just a quick piece of advice-LOVE YOUR SIBLINGS AND TELL THEM EVERY FREAKING DAY! DO NOT take them for granted-you never know when that last day is…….
Does anyone ever have such a numbing pain that tears from the heart outward that you want to cut yourself to make sure you can feel physical pain?
Wow, what a blessing to find this website…My beautiful sister, my best friend died on June 12, 2010 after 6 agonizing weeks in a local hospital. I begged her husband to move her since she had 3 open heart surgeries throughout her life and should have been in a teaching hospital.
Throughout the years she was cared for at Hackensack Medical Center and survived the surgeries and other complications from a catherization gone wrong due to a doctor’s mistake. She hadn’t been feeling well for months, complaining of pains in her stomach. Went to many doctors, had many tests, but everythings was always inconclusive…
One night after a doctors visits, where she was perscribed an antidepressant because they thought her illness was in her head, she started to vomit and her husband call 911 and she was taken to the hospital and diagosed with acute pancreatitis. They said the next 24 hours would be critical. She survived for 6 weeks, never improving and my begging her husband to transfer her only caused him to argue with me and do nothing. Then the call came. Hurry, not much time left. The only thing that was keeping her alive was a defribulator that was still working……
We found out from people who took her blood for 25 years, due to taken a blood thinner, asked me why her elevated liver enzymes were not treated before this incident. The doctor that was treating her prior to the hospital admit did nothing about the test results.
I feel so guilty that I didn’t fight harder. I let her down and can’t forgive myself. Now, her husband cries and doesn’t understand what happened. I feel sorry for him because I know he loved her, but I hate him for not listening to me. Maybe the outcome would be different.
All I do is cry and feel so empty…We shared everything…..Our happiness, our disappointments, the good times and the bad times. When is this pain going to leave. When am I going to smile again.. People don’t understand. We spoke so many times during the day…..Laughing and crying but always a feeling that we were so lucky to have one another…..The holidays are here, but I’m not…….
I just stumbled on this website. I lost my best friend / baby sis 5 weeks ago…October 9, 2010. We (my husband, his adult daughter, myself and my sis) were ATVing in northern WI. We were there for the weekend, something we have done for the past 3 years. We don’t really know what exactly happened….just that she struck tree. My husband was 3 ATVs behind her and came upon her wheeler in the middle of the trail riderless. This was at night. He sent one of the guys who was in front of him, to get myself and his daughter at the next location….minutes away. He was the one that found her. I remember being told to get back to the trail because there was a problem with one of the 4 wheelers…that was it. So we head back and I see what happened. It is a nightmare I can’t wake from. I remember shouting at one of the ATVers who was by her (he was a rescue person from a different area in the state) “That is my sister! I can’t lose another one!! You have to save her!” I was ‘told’ she was still breathing, but I honestly think they were trying to spare me until the ambulance came. She died of major head and facial trauma. She was only 37 with a husband and 2 kids (8 year old son and 7 year old daughter).
I was the one that had to be in control in speaking with the coroner, the police, DNR, etc. I had to be the one to tell them who they needed to contact back home, how to get a hold of the family members, etc. I don’t know I how I did it, but it was numbing.
The drive back from there is 5 hours. All I kept thinking was we went up with 4 and now we come back with only 3. It was awful.
There are days, it appears it will be an ‘okay’ day, but at some point I break down into tears. The memories flood in, the nightmare night comes back over and over again like a bad movie that refuses to end. I helped my brother-in-law with everything (as well as my parents, brother, and his brother) relating to the funeral. I have gone to his house to pack up her clothes - he could not bear to see them as he is completely devastated.
My heart breaks when I see her kids….what they will miss out on having her as mother for decades to come. Her son blames my brother-in-law for letting her go up north….I know that is his grief speaking, but I can’t imagine what it does to him. Breaking again.
Staci was the one person, besides my husband, I could call day or night and tell her anything. We talked on the phone almost daily and sometimes 4-5 times a day. She was the one I called on my way to or from work when I was travelling alone….so many things we did and were going to do….now gone. She was the life of the room, party, get together, etc. Funny, beautiful, and so full of life.
I also lost my big sis 14 years ago. She was 32 at the time and I was 25. She left behind a husband and a 14 month old son. I thought it couldn’t happen again to our family, I thought we were somehow ‘protected’ from enduring this pain again. Nobody is protected, no family is exempt from it occuring again.
I don’t have any regrets of not telling her how I felt. That I am thankful for.
The holidays are almost here and I can’t imagine them without her. I can’t imagine the family camping trips we always do without her. I can’t imagine all the events we were to attend without her. Numbing pain, tidal waves of sorrow and sadness just keep coming.
I do have an appt. with a counselor tonight…..hoping we connect and it will help with this pain.
Thank you for listening.
I lost my only brother in May of 2009. He had been diagnosed with Lung Cancer 1.5 yrs prior. Kevin never smoked a day in his life. Not only that, but he was the type that ate organic, worked out, even ran marathons. Kevin never let his cancer beat him. Even at its worst, he had a smile and a loving attitude. He was the special light of our family. My mother had passed away in 2001, also from cancer-chronic lymphatic-leukemia, and Kevin’s diagnosis was that much more devastating. He pledged to do all he could to fight against the stigma of lung cancer. He spoke in front of Congress. He was a spokesperson for the Lung Cancer Alliance. He was a hero and warrior in every respect. His loving and beautiful girlfriend accepted his marriage proposal early on in his diagnosis…even knowing that the prognosis was poor. Kevin died from a blood clot four days after their marriage. So many people wondered why they wanted to get married when it was obvious that Kevin was so terribly sick. Those people really didn’t know Kevin. He wanted to do everything he could to celebrate life while he still had it and his fiance felt the same. His loss…at only the age of 31, was so devastating…on so many levels. The most prominent was the tragedy of going to his wedding one weekend and his funeral the next. I still cannot wrap my mind around it. That such a bright light was extinguished from Cancer…especially when he did not fit the profile whatsoever for Lung Cancer..makes it even more unfathomable. The loss of my brother..that person who shared my childhood with me and my adult life being my daughter’s godfather and my husband’s close friend…gone. My daughter is the only grandchild on both sides of our family. I grieve for her loss. I grieve for Kevin’s loss knowing how much he and his wife wanted children and knowing that it could never be. I grieve FOR ME. I feel selfish when I do. HE had the cancer. It is HIS tragedy. This isn’t about ME. But I grieve all the same. I look at my little family and think about what life is going to be like…and how it could have been if Kevin were still with us. And…I am ANGRY. There is no way to reconcile with this. I miss Kevin. I miss having my mom and dad and brother all together. That will never happen again. My daughter will never experience the wonderful family gatherings we had. I do my best to make the ones we have now lovely, but it isn’t the same. On May 28th, 2009 Kevin Frederick Brumett passed away. With him, he took pieces of the hearts of all who knew him.
I was just wondering … I have been sending emails to my sister who died 3 weeks ago. I live in the States and she lived in Italy for 20 years. Despite the physical distance, we talked daily and she was my best friend. The question is … should I stop sending emails to her? I don’t even think she’s reading them. For some reason I think she does, but then I feel like I’ve gone off the deep end. It just makes more sense to write to her rather than write in a stupid “grief journal”. Also, for you who have been deprived of your brother or sister, does life really suck forever??? I mean, I’m now counting the days til I kick the bucket if this is how I’ll feel for the rest of my life. Thanks.
Oh…it’ so hard. It’s so painful. Yes, Jules…keep emailing your sister…
I haven’t deleted my brother from my cell phone or email, either.
I told my dad, you keep his truck, his motorcycle, as long as you want! You keep it forever, keep it! I just don’t care; just keep it, look at it, just keep what’s left. We got rid of so much the two weeks after he died…I found his lotto tickets in my house the other day. I’ll keep them.
My son (1st grade) drew a picture in school last month of my brother dead in his bed. My son wrote, “Alexander died. He didn’t come to work. They had the police open the door. I got some of his stuff [a Star Wars coin, a fishing rod]. We shot off his fireworks.”
And we saw a shooting star out there in the desert and my mom and I cheered. But it’s so sad, so painful I am crying right now ’cause I remember my mom’s cheer.
Next page of my son’s project: a picture of fireworks and us out in the desert. He wrote, “I went to the desert. I had dinner. I shot off fireworks.” My son wrote this at school!!!
Oh, my brother, my buddy, my shooting star, I miss you and I hate that this happened.
Here is my story: I am an identical triplet (born a quadruplet - one died right after birth). I was extremely close to one of them, June. I am the oldest of the three, June was the youngest. She was ill. My husband, three kids and myself took care of her - financially, emotional and physically. She was my sister, best friend and almost like a daughter of mine. We are 48 years old. She had been in good health recently. She had complained about having the stomach virus a week before she died. She was on my house on Sunday, December 19, 2010.. Her Godson, my son Frank, was home from College in Boston. We had rice balls and eggplant parmagiana. She loved it. She was so happy to have something solid. She had a great night, and a great time. We talked Monday morning about the day before. We were on the phone for about 30 minutes. This was kind of short for us! I went about my regular business. I did not call her back. Whhhyyyyy did I not call her back????? I went to work Tuesday morning. Was laughing and having fun with the people I work with. The phone rang, the other secretary answered. She said it’s for you - I’m not sure who it is. I picked it up and knew something was wrong. Al, my husband - was on the phone. He said Lady - June’s aide called. She said something about her being sick. I called June’s house, Lady answered and said June was having problems breathing and she had called the Fire Department. I asked to speak to the paramedics. She said ok. One of them got on the phone and said we are doing CPR. I said I will be right there. I grabbed Lady telling me that she had died. I pulled over. I started crying. I called Al. I was screaming “she’s dead, she’s dead”.
My life has changed so much in those few minutes. I had to tell my 18, 20, and 25 year old that she died. I had to tell family - an older and younger sister, plus Jean the other triplet. (Yes, there were 5 girls in my family).
I have lost 33 1/3 of ME now. What am I going to do. Life will never ever be the same. What am I going to do???????